If Only
by Forever Ordinary
Summary: All her life, it had been for her country and what they demanded. But now, she felt that it was time to get something she had been longing for..even if it meant taking some one that wasn't hers, and making them the father..of a child they never knew about
1. Chapter 1

**If Only**

Summary: All her life, it had been for her country and what they demanded. But now, she felt that it was time to get something she had been longing for..even if it meant taking some one that wasn't hers..and making them the father..of a child they never knew about.

A/N: Yes..yes..I know..bad me. I'm starting a another fic when I still have lots going. But after seeing a episode of GSD again...I decided to type out this really short fic.

This story doesn't really follow what happened in GS/GSD because I didn't like some parts. Also, this is really short..maybe like 3-10 chapters? Some where between there. So please review. It'll only take a little of your time to click the little button after finish reading the chapter.

_Reviews_ drive me.

Chapter 1

Cagalli pushed her hair back in the wind from the open window as she droved her black porsche through the gates of Plants. Deciding to look as normal as she could, she got herself into a white spaghetti top and a silky pale cream skirt. Holding her hair up in pins and ribbons, she put on some dark shades to cover her eyes. Pressing down the peddle with her white stiletto's, she felt her mind drift.

It had been so long ago that their two nations had finally settled down..for now. But for unwanted disruptions, she didn't want to be excessivly odd looking. Leaning her elbow on the window, she rest her hand against her hand and looked in front of her.

Everything looked so peaceful, kids were running, playing around. Mothers were sitting in parks talking with other mothers who would share stories of how their child was naughty or which one pleased them the most. Sighing out into thin air, she hoped to see the person she had been looking for.

1 and a half years since she had saw him

1 and a half years since she had cut him out of her life.

1 and a half years since she found out something surprising.

1 and a half years after..she regretted it.

1 and a half years..

Should she tell him? Or should she not? No...she couldn't..not yet. What could she do? Bounce back into his arms when she had told him that she only wanted her country. Kiss him on the lips when she told him that he wasn't important enough. Hold him tight when in return, she had pushed him away?

Love was hard.

But if it wasn't hard, then she would never know what love was. She would never know how much it meant to her. She would certainly never know how much he had influenced her. Still deep in thought, she failed to notice the couple in front of her that had been crossing the street until she was just inches away from them, and had to stomp on her breaks.

She watched as she stopped centimetres away from their legs. The girl clasping on the mans arm in terror, she saw that the girl had been terrified. Making movement to get out of the car and apologize, Cagalli suddenly froze when she saw the pair of dark green eyes. Then she noticed the ebony..silky hair.

_Athrun_.

She felt her insides melt as she watched him..watched him hold the girl. _Meyrin_.

Shocked, she slid back into her seat, her hands limp on the driving wheel. It was a good thing she had brought her shades...even if it was a weak protection against him. She had wanted to see him so badly..but not like this. Never like this.

She felt the warms tears that were welling in her eyes. No..she couldn't cry. She never cried. And she certainly wasn't going to now. Blinking them back, she noticed that they were not talking and that they both had been looking at her. Her heart hammered against her as she saw them both approach her on the drivers side of the car.

Meyrin wasn't scared now, she was mad.

"Hey! You should really watch where you're going..did you know that you almost hit us? What kind of driver are you? Maybe you shouldn't be out here you little rich-"

She didn't get to hear her finish. She couldn't take it anymore. She wanted to go..away. Anywhere. Stepping on the gas peddle, she heard the car stall for a few second before zooming off. She couldn't help but notice the pair of dark eyes the were looking at her. The dark eyes that seemed to look straight through her. That seemed to..recognize her.

He couldn't.

Never.

She was wearing a dress for god's sake. And she had her hair up..and she was wearing a girly top. She didn't look like the same Cagalli. But still...it seemed like he had recognized her. Jesus.

Groaning..Cagalli bit back a sad choke. It seemed like these things happened to her occasionally now...she would get depressed..sad..and then she would need some cheer up. It always helped to listen to Kira or Lacus. But what she wanted the most was to hear the voice of her bobo. Her lovely pride and joy.

Stopping the car at a parking meter, she quickly put some coins inside before locking up the car and walking towards a fair that was happening at some park. She wanted him to be with her. To hold her..to tell her that he loved her. But she knew that he was with Meyrin now..even if she did try to deny the facts.

Walking around silently..she decied to call..Ashton. She liked calling him Ash better though. Flipping out her cell phone she dialed the number that she knew by heart. Listening for the rings, she waited as a man's voice picked up.

"Hello, this is the Yamato and Attha and Clyne residence. We may not be able to take your call at the moment, but if you leave a message right now, I'm sure I can get back to you with whomever you want to talk to. So now then, would you want to leave a message now or call back later? We have a Lacus-"

"Kira..cut the crap"

"Oh! Cagalli! What a surprise!" Her brother exclaimed on the other end. She knew he had been joking with her ever since. It wasn't like he didn't recognize her number on caller id.

"I need to speak to Ashton" Cagalli pleaded as she felt herself knotting her hands in her skirt.

"You know..Ashton can't clearly speak yet...he's only 6 months-"

"Kira..but him on the damn phone!" Cagalli said in frustration as she felt her own lips quiver. She felt weak, vunerable. It wasn't like that before. She depended on no one. But some how..after he had left. She just fell. She had a shut down. She couldn't fend. She didn't know what was happening to her. She always compelted everything with ease. But lately, everything was just a drag.

"Is there something wrong Cagalli?" Kira asked softly, going quickly into brother mode.

"I'm fine..I jus-I just need to hear him..please" Cagalli murmured as she felt herself siting down on a bench while there was some loud weird band music playing behind of her.

Hearing Kira sigh, she was put on hold for a few minutes before she heard a blank silence on the other end. Then she heard it, the cry of Ashton. God..she didn't know what possessed her to leave him after only a few months. But she'll be back in a few hours or so..dammit. It had been wrong to come here in the first place.

Cursing to herself, she continuted to hear her babies voice as Kira started to mumble in the back ground. Biting back a small laugh, she listened carefully as she heard Kira trying to make lame attempts to please the child. It worked though..because a happy voice came back on the other end.

Trapped in the hearing of her son, she failed to notice the pair of eyes that were looking at her.

"Athrun! It's her..it's that girl. I'm going to give her a piece of my mind" Meyrin huffed as she grabbed his arm. Dragging him towards the blonde who had looked unnaturally beautiful.

He couldn't help but notice her long creamy legs that were hidden under the skirt and the soft skin that was shown on her arms. Being a man that he was, the colours looked so good on her..and the contrast was excellent. He could feel himself running his hands all over her body, just him and her.

He couldn't help but feel a connection against the women. Like they had met before. But there was only one person that could stir these feelings in side of him..his first and maybe only love.._Cagalli_. But she couldn't be here never. Athrun could still remember the day when she had rejected him.

Meyrin, stopping herself in front of her with him by her side, he watched as Meyrin attempted to talk her as she was on the phone. But it seemed like she was oblivious to them.

He couldn't see her eyes behind the shades, but he noticed how her soft blonde hair looked nice in ribbons and pins. Definitly not Cagalli. Well..could be. He knew that Cagalli would never wear dresses. Or even look at them for the matter. But the women in front of him looked like she knew what she was doing.

Meyrin suddenly cried in frustration and grabbed the blonde's cell away from her.

He watched as she cried in anger..but quickly dropped down into what looked liked sadness. But still, the fury was still detected from her posture.

"Give my phone back" She said angrily as she made a reach to grab the phone out of Meyrin's hands.

"Not until you apologize you little.." But Meyrin never finished because the women had lunged at her. Grabbing the phone quickly from the shock Meyrin, he watched stilled as the women kept asking for Ashton. But he knew that the person, who ever they were were already cut off from the line.

"Dammit" The blonde muttered as she stared at the cell phone blankly.

"When are you going to apologize?" Meyrin cried as she put her hands in fist and started to march right in front of the girl.

Not replying, he saw that Meyrin had gone past being angry. She was as furious as hell. He didn't know why he was standing there doing nothing. But it seemed like he couldn't move from his spot. Like he was glued there with his mouth stitched shut. Before he could even stop her, Meyrin had already pushed the women to the ground.

Athrun watched in shock as the dark shades bounced from her face, and all was left was the teary amber eyes that looked back at him.

_Cagalli_.


	2. Chapter 2

**If Only**

Summary: All her life, it had been for her country and what they demanded. But now, she felt that it was time to get something she had been longing for..even if it meant taking some one that wasn't hers..and making them the father..of a child they never knew about.

A/N: I really want to say thank you to those who took a time to review. Really..this is a short fic, so I'm trying to end it as soon as I can. As you can see, I'm kind of rushing. But in real life, somtimes, rushing may just be enough. Haha.

Please continue reviewing. Trying to update this everyday.

_Reviews_ drive me.

Chapter 2

Emotion rushed through her as she glanced at the man in front of her. _Athrun_.

It was the first time she truly got a good glance at him. Wearing a dark knitted sweater and some dark jeans, it fit snugly and showed how built he was. God, how she missed running her hands over his taut muscles. Thinking about it made her blush, but only a few seconds. Seeing him made her hurt. She could feel the betraying tears at the edge of her eyes.

Cagalli watched as he started to bend down and help her up, but suddenly, Meyrin was pinning her against his arm.

Whispering something into his ears, Cagalli strained to hear what Meyrin said, "Athrun, you can't do this! She rejected you, she told you she didn't want you. Didn't you say you'll forget about her?"

Athrun only gave Meyrin a bland look as the red haired girl continued.

"If you're going to help her up, you're going to hurt me. You said you loved me...didn't you? Please Athrun" Meyrin pleaded quietly as her own eyes began to tear up.

"I said I'll forget her..and I'm trying. If it doesn't work out, so be it. It doesn't mean she deserves the right to be pushed to the floor, and not get help" Athrun said loudly, a edge of anger in his voice as he pulled away from Meyrin and stopped in front of her.

His eyes automatically softened as he bent down to help her up.

Cagalli felt herself finally giving in to her tears as she buried her head into Athrun's chest. Jesus, she missed his warmth, his smell, his touch. And right now, it was like she was in heaven. Her heart sped up as she felt Athrun wrap his arms around her protectively. They had both stood up already, but she didn't feel like moving away.

The thought of going away from him only made her cry harder as she squeezed the death out of him. If he minded, he didn't complain. She could hear Athrun calming her down as he begant to stroke her hair lightly.

It was actually the first time she had cried since he had been away. She was never the one to cry..or any of the sappy stuff. But she just missed him so much. The way he wasn't there to support her..or be at her side. But she knew that it was her own fault..her own fault that he was gone.

Unable to keep the words in, she quietly mumbled the words for both of them to hear only, "I love you"

She felt his arms stiffen around her as she heard the beating of his heart. She said it again, this time a little more loudly..but still unable for Meyrin to hear, "I love you"

He still didn't respond.

Blinking back her tears, she pulled away from him slightly to look up at him. His face was expressionless, and his stance was stiff. She reached up carefully and laid a hand on his left cheek and stroked him softly.

Immediately, he glanced down at her, their eyes being able to meet. She felt herself inch forward, a little by little as their lips were just inches away. But like all those sad romances, they were both cut off as she felt a yank at her arm, making her being pulled away from Athrun and his arms.

"Why are you doing this?" Meyrin cried as her face began to glow red, "You know I love him, why did you have to come? Why are you trying to take him away from me?"

Cagalli felt no reply to what she was saying. It didn't really register into her mind.

"I comforted him when he got sad over you. He never cried in front of me, but I knew he was in pain-" Meyrin began, "You didn't see him everyday like I did, the way he got mad..the way he got violent when he knew he couldn't have you..."

She finally mustered up a breath to reply, but Meyrin had continued to talk.

"And then finally..he started to let go! He saw me there for him..he started to..he started to care for me like I did him...so why did you have to come back here and ruin everything?" Meyrin screamed as her tears were beginning to fall like a never ending waterfall.

Cagalli felt choked at her words.

It was true..she didn't know how much it had hurt him. She didn't think of the consequences, or how he might've felt when she left him. But she wanted him back didn't she?

No..she was wrong..she wanted him back for her own selfish needs. She wanted him back so he could comfort her..to hold her. To tell her that he still loved her. She was expecting things that he might not ever be able to give to her again. She was ruining a perfectly good relationship of a already happening couple.

But she still felt herself to be selfish.

She still wanted him...wanted Athrun. She didn't want him to belong to some one else. Her mind was still in deep thought, until she felt a piercing sting come at her right cheek.

"Leave us alone!" It was Meyin, she was out of control and was shaking like crazy. Cagalli gasped as she held her right hand against her cheek, feeling the pulsing skin against her cold hands.

"He doesn't love you anymore!" Meyrin screamed again as she started to raise her hand to slap Cagalli again. But Athrun, who had been watching the whole thing, snapped into action and held her hand, "Stop it"

Cagalli, who had been almost oblivious to Meyrin's words, felt her mind explode as she heard the ones she never wanted to hear. 'Athrun didn't love her' All this time, she was hoping for something that wasn't going to happen. That wasn't going to happen anymore. That wasn't going to happen once again.

Suddenly, she just felt herself missing Ashton. She wanted to see Ash..to hold him and tell him that she missed his father dearly.

Feeling the tears against her eyes again, Cagalli quickly took a step back from Athrun who had been trying to calm Meyrin down..who had lunged herself into Athrun's arms. Watching them, Cagalli felt her heart being slowly broken into pieces. She was trying to take a man..that wasn't hers.

She was trying to steal another one's love..for her own. She was trying to get Athrun to love her..when he clearly didn't and prefered Meyrin.

Cagalli heaved a gasped as she took several steps back, planning to run to her car.

"I'm sorry.." She whispered loudly for them to hear before turning around and ran away. Ran away from the pain...ran away from the one thing she truly ever started to care about.

_Sometimes, loving may just not be enough..._

_Sometimes..it just hurts to be away from them..._

_Somtimes..you just want to be at their sides..._

_Sometimes...it just doesn't cover all the bases that you need..._

_If only...it didn't hurt._

_If only...the pain wouldn't last._

_If only...he could just love me forever._

_If only...there were so many 'if only's'_

She zoomed off into her car as she searched her bag for her shades. _Shit_. They were still lying on the floor at the park. She couldn't get them now anyways. Getting out her cell phone with one shaking hand, she quickly dialed Kira's number.

"Hello?" A voice said.

"K-Kira?" Cagalli stuttered out as she heard the voice.

"What's wrong Cagalli?"

"I-I...I want to see Ash..please don't let him fall asleep yet" Cagalli pleaded as she stared at the road ahead, driving faster then her usual minute. She had to see her baby..she couldn't calm herself down without him.

"Is something wrong? I'll try to keep him up.." Kira trailed off as she heard a screaming in the back ground.

"I..I can't explain right now. Just keep him up..do whatever" She muttered quickly, "Is Lacus there too?"

"She came back early..did you want to talk to her?" Kira asked uncertinaly, the concern shown.

"Yes..please.."

There was a moment of silence before she heard the voice of her wise friend. Cagalli felt that she could always count on her to give the honest truth. She felt that Lacus was the one who would show her where the real path lies to the answers that she had been looking for. Longing to keep the conversation short, she quickly started talking.

"I saw him today. I-I..he was with Meyrin. I think they're together..since she made it so obvious. But I really don't know what to do..any I really taking him away? I love him so much...but she said he doesn't love me anymore. That was he forgetting me..I want to stay away. I really want to try..but he's still in my heart" She gushed out, all in one breath.

Cagalli could feel the ache in her heart, stronger by the minute.

"Cagalli...if you truly do want something. It's best if you work for it. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way..but you know that you would always love him right? I don't think Athrun would ever stop loving you..if he did, he wouldn't be the Athrun I knew" Came the sweet serene voice.

"I..really?" She asked, suddenly feeling very vunerable.

"Really Cagalli..but we really can't talk right now. So why don't you come back as soon as possible? We're keeping Ash awake for as long as we can.." Lacus said quietly.

"Thank you.." Cagalli whispered as she closed her cell. Hoping to talk to Lacus..and hold her baby soon, she stepped on the gas pedal, and drove faster then she ever had in her life.

But deep in her thoughts, she didn't notice that black Mercedes that was following her.


End file.
